(Harry) Shoemaker and Hogmorts Academy of Masters
by Mintosaurus C
Summary: Harry Shoemaker is a young, 11 year old orphan boy. He must leave his lofty life for Hogmorts Academy of Masters. Will he make friends? Will he pass his classes? Will he survive? I don't know, I'm basically writing this as it goes. (Craaaaack) Thank you Voldymort from discord for beta reading.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

**(Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter)**

"I've made breakfast, your kind and merciful lordship!" Vernon woke his Great Lord. The angelic scent of bacon and pancakes wafted into Harry's room. He walked downstairs, after getting dressed.

"Good morning my loyal servants. I expect perfection." 11 year old Harry Shoemaker sat at his table, and he inspected it. "Food. To my liking, not over or under cooked. Lemonade, sweet and freshly squeezed. Newspaper is... wet." Harry ended, sounding eerily calm. Dudley immediately shrunk back. "Dudley... why is my newspaper wet?" Harry asked, still calm.

"Th-there was a storm, and it-it rained before I got it." Dudley stuttered. Harry glared at Dudley, before yelling at him.

"Then maybe, you should have gotten it BEFORE it rained!" Harry looked like he was seething. Dudley cowered. "Did you at least get my mail, without it being wet?" He asked. Dudley nodded, before grabbing it off the desk and putting it on Harry's table.

"Bills, taxes, bills, bills... A letter? And a fancy one too." He inspected the letter. _Harry Shoemaker, 62049 Yeet Lane, Tealand, England. Hogmorts Academy of Masters. _"Odd. Hogmorts Academy of Masters? Never heard of it." He opened it, and read the contents.

**_'Harry Shoemaker,_**

**_ You have been friend invited to Hogmorts Academy of Masters, or HAMS. You will find a list of equipment that you can purchase in Horizont Ally._**

**_A uniform. Kicks. A big bowl you can mix things with. Ebony gauntlets from the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. A fire mixtape. A wand. And a pet of your chosing: A rat, cat, or bat._**

**_Once you have all of these, go to Platform 9 24/25. There, you will board the Hogmorts car. Then you will be sorted into your fam. _**

**_Professor A. McGonaguyy_**

Harry hummed, pondering on whether he should go. He hated schools. But, it's called the Academy of _Masters._ And that _is _what Harry wants to be. But first, a punishment was in order. "Dudley, you got my newspaper wet. But you did deliver me my letters perfectly dry. I shall be merciful. One day in the Yeehouse." He declared. Dudley gasped and became pale. He fainted, and his parents sighed with relief.

"I will pack up and leave for this academy immediately-" Harry was interrupted with a huge crash. His door was blown open, and a giant man walked in.

"'Ello 'Arry, it's me, Rubeus Hierarchical grid. I'm 'ere to take you to 'Ogmorts Academy o' Masters." The hairy man said.

"Ah. Mr. Grid, shall we leave for HAMS?" Harry asked. Rubeus nodded, and Harry briefly left to pack his belongings. Before leaving, Harry told the Dursleys a few rules for when he was away. "No touching my things. And Dudley stays in the Yeehouse. If you break these rules, I will know, and come back. Good day." They left, hopping on Rubeus' flying unicycle.

After 2 hours, they reached the Ceaky Lauldron. "Password is, 'Snarry is gross.'" Hagrid said, and the wall to Horizont Ally, opened up.

"What's Snarry, Rubeus?" Harry asked inquisitively. Rubeus stopped, looking back to Harry.

"You'll know when yer older." Hagrid choked out. "Ahright, 'Arry, you go and find yer equipment." He waved his hand, motioning for Harry to go.  
After two hours, Harry finally made it to Ollivansky's Wand place. Harry mentally checked off his list. All he needed now were the Ebony gauntlets, pet, and wand. He walked in, and immediately a small stick was thrown at him.

"The wand chooses the master, Mr. Shoemaker. It feels like just the other day your parents were here. Oh right, they were. Time travel. Anyway, give that wand a swish and a flick." Mikhail Ollivansky told him. Harry took the wand, and waved it. Suddenly, Mikhail was lit on fire. "Ahahaha, maybe not the wand for you. Try this one." He threw another wand at Harry, this one almost taking his eye out.

Harry waved the wand again, this time summoning water and ice on top of Ollivansky. "Err, nevermind that one..." Ollivansky suddenly took another one out, staring at it. "I wonder..." he whispered, taking the wand out. He ninja-threw it to Harry. This wand was pure black, with a black skull at the base, with glaring, glowing red eyes. Harry waved the wand. Out of nowhere, classical music started playing.

"Ah, the Dance of the Knights, by Sergei Prokofiev. Very good. But also, very curious. Yes, very curious." The old man commented.

"Er, what is curious exactly?" The boy asked, befuddled.

"11" darkskull wood, meme core. Mr. Shoemaker, I remember every wand I've supplied and to whom it belonged. I find it very curious that, the meme that gave you your core also gave another, your wand's twin if you would. The master who used this wand is the same who killed your parents, and gave you that scar, young Mr. Shoemaker."

Harry subconsciously felt the triangular, nacho shaped scar. "And who did all of this, sir?" he asked.

"Oh, but we do not speak his name, Mr. Shoemaker. For his name... is impossible to pronounce." the old man replied.

"Oh. Well uh, thanks for the wand and info I guess." Harry was interrupted by a knocking on the window. Rubeus stood, with some heavy looking black gauntlets, and a cage. In the cage was... a three-headed dog.


	2. Chapter 2: Gingersnape cookies

**LAST TIME ON ****(Harry) SHOEMAKER and HOGMORTS ACADEMY OF MASTERS**

_"Dudley, you got my newspaper wet. But you did deliver me my letters perfectly dry. I shall be merciful. One day in the Yeehouse."_

_'Harry Shoemaker, You have been friend invited to Hogmorts Academy of Masters, or HAMS.'_

_"'Ello 'Arry, it's me, Rubeus Hierarchical grid. I'm 'ere to take you to 'Ogmorts Academy o' Masters."_

_Ollivansky suddenly took another one out, staring at it. "I wonder..." he whispered, taking the wand out. He ninja-threw it to Harry._

**NOW**

_"Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh, DUH DUH, duh duh duh duh duh duhduh- YEE." _Dudley screamed for his parents, but they knew not to seek the wrath of their Lord.

_In Horizont Ally_

"Wow a puppy! I've always wanted a puppy!" Harry yelled excitedly. He ran outside, looking at his brand new cerberus puppy. "I'll name you... Thanatos, God of Death. Or Thanos for short!" Harry picked up his new puppy, minding the probably venomous snake that serves as the cute little puppy's tail.

"We'd better get moving, 'Arry, before yeh miss the Hogwarts car." Hagrid told him. They walked off, eventually reaching their destination.

"WOAH." Harry remarked, seeing a HUGE white limo. "Is THAT the Hogwarts car?" He asked Rubeus.

"O' no, even better." Rubeus smiled, pointing to a rusty old beaten up RV.

"Oh." Harry said, disappointed. They get in the RV, smelling of month-old doritos and wet dog. "Uh, who owns this... RV?"

"Why me, o' course!" Rubeus replied joyfully. Harry rolled his eyes, thinking 'Of course.' They packed in, and started driving.

"So, uh, Mr. Grid, do you know what happened to my parents?" Rubeus' face paled, and he gulped.

"Well, 'Arry. Your parents, James and Lily were amazin' masters. They were so good, only two other masters could beat them."

Harry replied, "Who?"

"Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfrice Brian Lennyface, and... Lord Xvlqwmps." He said quietly.

"Headmaster? And also, if this Lord's name is so unpronounceable, how did you say it?" Harry asked.

Rubeus replied. "Yes, Albus Lennyface is the current Headmaster of Hogmorts. And I'm not pronouncing it, this is text, leave the pronunciation to the readers." Harry looked confused. "Anyway, they were so powerful and talented, that Lord Xvlqwmps challenged them... to a Meme duel. James and Lily won, but the Lord was jealous, and so he went to your mansion, and killed your parents. He was gonna kill you too, and he sent the killing curse at you, but right before it hit you, you said somethin'. _No u._ He got so rekt that he got disintegrated." He finished.

Right before he could ask any questions, Rubeus pointed outside and proclaimed "Hogmorts! Right there!" Harry looked out and saw a huge, black castle.

Soon, they parked right in front of the castle. Harry joined the other students, and they walked all the way to the large Castle. Eventually, they all entered into a large room. Looking like a cafeteria, there were 4 long tables, with another all the way in the front. An old man in weird robes walked up and stated "Welcome to Hogmorts Academy of Masters. Come with me." They walked up, in a line, to a chair. Next to it was a lady.

McGonaguyy stopped and said "You will now sit down next to the Sorting Lady, who will touch your head and sort you into your house. But first, a short description on these houses." Harry listened, curiously. "First are the Nerds. Whether you're a Lord of the Rings or Star Wars fan, you're welcome. Next are the Jocks. They love sports, especially Didquich. Third are the School Mafia. Mess with them and you'll be sleeping in the Black Lake tonight. And finally, the Black Market. You want something illegal, and you want it hushed up? No problem. These jerks got it. Now I will call you up to be sorted, based off of your badassity." He finished.

"Maco Dralfoy." A blonde kid floated up, and sat down. The old lady bapped him on the head, before screaming.

"JOCKS!" More and more students came up, leaving Harry to feel sad that he had low Badassity.

"Don't worry m8, we'll get higher badassity," a tall boy his age said. His shiny brown hair glowing. "Oh, I'm Won Memesly btw. Nice to meet you, your name is?"

Harry smiled before replying with "Harry Shoemaker." Won gaped at him before excitedly asking a question.

"You're THE Harry Shoemaker? The Boy Who Rekt the Lord? Can I see the scar?" Harry pulled back the fringe of his black hair, showing the nacho-shaped scar.

"Woah! That's bloody brilliant-" Before Won could finish, the blond boy, Maco Dralfoy walked over.

"Harry Shoemaker? You know, it would be better to make friends with me. I can show you the world, and all the people _worth _befriendin-" But Maco couldn't finish, as Won cast a spell at him.

"Begone thot!" Suddenly, a gust of MaGiC pushed Maco away. "Oh, that's a, just a spell my mom taught me. We'll probably learn it in Year 3."

"Harry Shoemaker." Professor McGonaguyy called.

Harry reluctantly walked over. He saw the old lady and grimaced. She was an old, cross-eyed lady with a cat tangled in her hair. He sat down. She smelled of cat. She put her spindly old hand on his head. "Please put me in Jocks, my parents were in there, please please please?" Harry asked. The creepy old lady slowly looked to him, and the cat in her hair jumped out and ran away.

"U wot m8? OH! YES! I know where to put you! You'd be perfect for..." Harry, the students, and the professors held their breath. "Nerds!" Harry looked down, disappointed. 'Oh well, maybe they aren't so bad...'

"Won Memesly." McGonaguyy called up. Within a minute, she yelled out Nerds. Harry was so relaxed. He hugged Won he walked over to their table. The entire House clapped.

Eventually, the house was lead upstairs to a meme picture. In the meme was Keanu Reeves. "Password?" Reeves asked.

The prefect leading them then looked back at them and told them to remember the password. "OwO What's this?" He stated.

The picture said "Correct, welcome to the Nerds' common room." The picture noclipped into another wall, leaving a door behind. They walked in, and were told a few of the school rules before being left to their own devices.

**_The Next Day_**

Before classes, they were given schedules.

**Meme Offense - Flilius Fitwick**

**Meme Defense - Minervo McGonaguyy**

**Defense Against the Dark Memes - Sq-sq-sq-Squirinis Squirrel**

**Elder Scrolls Alchemy - Sevrus Gingersnape**

**Elder Scrolls Ingredients - Somona Prout**

**Flying - Hadam Mooch**

**Attend all of your classes. If you keep ditching, you will be permabanned from HAM.**

"Oh hey, MO is first. Let's get there before we're late!" Won said. They Naruto-ran to their class. They entered class, noticing their very short teacher. "That's Flilius Fitwick, he's a master of savage burns." They sat down at their desks.

"Today, you will be learning probably our most famous spell. Lingardium Weviosa. Now, first of all, turn to page 394..." The lecture started, Won and Harry kept talking to their selves. Eventually, the professor motioned for them to shut their books. "Now, let's try the spell. Remember, swish and flick! Linguardium Weviosa!" The class began, trying to levitate their feather. Won failed. A bushy-haired girl looked at Won and scolded him.

"Honestly, you're gonna poke someone's eyes out! And you're pronouncing it wrong!" Won tried again, to no avail. "It's Wevi_O_sa, not Wevio_saaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- DING. Germione has stopped working._" Won just looked at her weirdly, but tried again, succeeding.

"Very good, very good! 50 points to Nerds for helping another student!" After roughly half an hour, the class reached its end.

**_A few hours later_**

Won and Harry were sitting down at their desks, when the door slammed open, and their Alchemy professor walked in, his black cape flowing behind him. "There will be no silly wand-waving or incessant screeching in this class. Now I don't expect you dumbasses to understand the subtle art of alchemy. But for those who do... I can teach how to make your enemies fight each other. How to jump 50 stories up, and even make people like you." Harry was writing down what the professor said, when the greasy man with bright orange hair glared at him.

"Mistah Pottah. Our. New. Memelord. Mr. Potter, can you tell me what an orange and grapes make if made into a potion?" Harry slowly shook his head no. "No? Can you tell me what could you make with venison and aloe vera? No? Then tell me where you would find Bloodgrass." Harry shook his head again.

"I-I don't know, sir." Harry hung his head.

"An orange and grapes mixed make a restore fatigue potion. Venison and aloe vera make a healing potion. You can find Bloodgrass in the demonic realm of Oblivion." Gingersnape finished glaring, and then yelled "Well what are you waiting for? Write this down!" at the class.

**_Even more hours later_**

Harry, Won, and the other Nerds and Jocks stood in a large field, each with a broom next to them.

"I am Hadam Mooch, your flying instructor. Today, you will learn to raise your broom, get off the ground, and touch back down. Now, to raise your broom, hold out your arm and say _Get tf up here or I'll friggin burn you in a fire._"

The students did the same, with Harry and Germione succeeding first. Won kept trying, but to no avail. The broom did however fly up and hit him in the face, the other students giggled. "Now, lift up a little bit, then touch back down. DO NOT rise any more than that, there will be NO FLYING today!" Mooch made clear.

Almost immediately, a fellow Nerd, Leville Nongbottom flew up, calling for help. Hadam Mooch kept telling him to come back down, but it seemed Leville couldn't control the broom. He flew around, struggling to stop, and eventually fell off, his robes getting caught on two swords of a statue. He fell down, and Hadam Mooch ran over to check him. Students kept commenting on him. "Ouch, that looks like it hurts." "Dumb idiot." "He needs some milk." Declaring that he had broken his wrist, she told them not to even touch their brooms while she took the poor boy to the Infirmary.

Once she was gone, Maco Dralfoy took Leville's remembrall (an item his grandmother gave to him). "Give it here, Dralfoy." Harry told Maco.

"No. I think I'll leave it on the roof for him to find." Maco grinned and got on his broom flying up. Harry followed him, chasing him through the air. "Give it back Dralfoy!"

"No, I'm gonna leave it on the roof!" Dralfoy replied.

"I don't know, man. That seems-" Harry was interrupted.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" Dralfoy glared at him.

"-kinda gay." Harry finished. Immediately, Maco's broom combusted, and he screamed. He dropped the remembrall, and flew down to safety. Harry flew for it, and just barely got it, but not before McGonaguyy saw him and started walking down. Harry touched down, with all the students naruto-running over to him. They cheered for him, calling him an absolute madlad. But before he could celebrate, McGonaguyy walked out.

"Harry Shoemaker, come with me." He said in a scolding voice.


	3. Chapter 3: Big doggo

**LAST TIME ON SHAM**

_"He was gonna kill you too, and he sent the killing curse at you, but right before it hit you, you said somethin'. No u. He got so rekt that he got disintegrated."_

_"It's WeviOsa, not Weviosaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- DING. Germione has stopped working."_

_"Begone thot!" Suddenly, a gust of MaGiC pushed Maco away. _

_"U wot m8? OH! YES! I know where to put you! You'd be perfect for..." Harry, the students, and the professors held their breath. "Nerds!"_

**NOW**

Old McGonaguyy lead Harry to the DADM class, where he interrupted it. "Mr. Squirrel, may I have Oliver Wood?" Squirrel dismissed Wood, and Wood left the room. "Wood, I believe I've found you a seeker!" The Professor said excited.

"Hello, the name's Oliver Wood. How about we go down to the field and test out your fly abilities, eh?" Harry nodded, happy that he's found a hobby. They walked all the way down to the didquich pitch, carrying a large case. They put it down, and Oliver opened it up. There were 3 balls. One big brown one, a smaller brown one, and a tiny golden one. Oliver went over them. The first one is the Waffle. The second one, the medium-sized one, is the fudger. And the smallest one is the Golden snitch. Now, as a seeker, I want you to focus on the snitch. Let the others worry about everything else."

After that, he let Harry fly around a bit, watching him. When Harry came back down, Wood praised the younger boy. "You're a talented flyer, Potter, I think you'll make a great seeker." Harry grinned.

**_Later that month_**

The Didquich Tournament was here. Harry was nervous, but shivering with excitement. The Nerds and Black Marketers were announced, and the game began. It was chaotic. Harry watched for the snitch. It was very hard to find the tiny golden ball, but he eventually found it. He had to dodge fudgers and other players, but he finally got to it. But suddenly, his broom started messing around, twitching like it wanted to throw Harry off.

Germione gasped when she saw this. She looked towards Professor Gingersnape and saw him muttering something like a chant. She sneaked over to him, and with a spell, lit his long cloak on fire. Immediately, Harry's broom stopped and he could play. Harry found the snitch again, and flew towards it. It was so close, just right in front of him. He got up and crouched on his broom, reaching out to the snitch. His fingers clasped around it, and got back down on the broom. He flew back down to ground, and held his arm, with the snitch, in the air.

"Harry Shoemaker has caught the snitch! Which means Nerds win!" The announcer stated. The crowds cheered for Harry and the Nerds. Harry felt like a million galleons. After the party, Harry was approached by an old man. "Good day Harry, it's me, your Headmaster. Albus Lennyface. I know we haven't met yet, but I wanted to tell you not to enter the third floor corridor. I meant to tell you this at your first feast, but the lazy author forgot. Anyhow, congratulations Harry, have a good day. And don't go in the third corridor!." Albus Lennyface left, Harry feeling curious about what was there.

**_Christmas time bois_**

A few months later, Christmas has arrived. Won yelled to wake Harry up. "C'mon Harry, it's Christmas! We got presents!" Harry ran down to the common room, and put on a cheerful smile when he saw Won and the presents. " Won was dressed in a christmas sweater, with 'scrub' stitched into it. Harry started to dig into his presents, finding some candy and clothes, and finally...

A weird looking cloak. Harry decided 'Hell, why not', and put it on. Immediately, Won's mouth dropped. "Bloody hell! That's an invisibility cloak! Mum said those were super rare!" Harry looked down at himself, and noted that it was true. Harry cackled, "I'm gonna have so much fun with this." A lot of pranks were had that night. I won't reveal much, but let's just say Sevrus Gingersnape would not be happy when he realized that all of his robes were not pink.

A few days later, Harry decided he would explore the third corridor. He told Germione and Won about it, but she paled and said "Harry we can't! The Headmaster said we can't!"

"Oh come on, Hermione! We need your smarts to help us!" Harry begged. Reluctantly, Germione agreed, and later that night they sneaked out in his invisibility cloak. They found the third corridor, and were about to check a door, when they heard a meow.

Won quietly gasped. "That's Bilch's cat! If he hears her and finds us we're dead meat!" They saw the shadow of a man coming in, and quickly ducked into the first door they saw. After a minute, they heard Bilch walking away. They relaxed, with Harry walking forward. Won, relieved, said "Bilch is gone. Probably thought the door was locked."

Harry, pale and staring at something in front of them, said "It was locked. And for good reason." He pointed towards something, and they both saw what he saw. A huge cerberus woke up and raised its heads. All three heads began growling. All three screamed their lungs out, and ran out, keeping the door shut. "What was that?!" Won asked, terrified.

"A cerberus." Harry replied, knowing because he had one himself.

"What was a CERBERUS doing in Hogmorts? What are they hiding that's so important they guard it with a freaking CERBERUS?!" Germione whispered. Suddenly, they heard something, down the hall. They got back in the cloak, and walked towards it.

They saw Squirrel and Gingersnape, with the latter pinning the other on the wall. They couldn't hear what they were saying, but they heard Gingersnape saying something threatening to Squirrel. They did make out 'Stoner's rock'. After a few minutes, Gingersnape stopped, and walked past them. All three mutually decided to get back to their common room and talk about what they saw.

**_Back at the Nerds Common room_**

"I think Gingersnape's up to something... I think he's working for Lord X (yes that's what we're calling him now). I think he wants something in there, something that overgrown dog is guarding. But what. We heard Gingersnape say something about a Stoner's rock. Let's try and look it up, there's gotta be something in the library." All three resolved to go to the library and look something up.

**_A few weeks later_**

"I've got it!" Germione exclaimed, slamming a huge book down on the table where the others were sitting. "So, the Stoner's Rock was created by 420 year old Nicholas Blazeit. It's a legendary rock that allows you to not only make you immortal, but also turn anything you touch into weed!"

"Woah! So that's what you think greasy Gingersnape wants for Lord X?" Won asked.

"Well we can't be sure. But I really think this is it." Germione grinned.

"Then we should check it out!" Harry said. But Germione had other ideas.

"Harry! We can't just barge in and try to find it. We should tell Headmaster Lennyface!" Hermione scolded.

The three later walked to Lennyface's office, but found McGonaguyy instead. "Uh, we're here to see Professor Lennyface sir." Harry said.

"The Headmaster is not here at the moment. He is at the ministry discussing business. If it's so important you can tell me." The old man replied.

"Well, sir, we think Professor Gingersnape is trying to get the Stoner's rock." Harry responded. McGonaguyy gaped at him, and admonished him.

"How do you know of the Stoner's... You know what, never mind. And I believe the Stoner's rock is perfect safe, Mr. Potter."

"But Professor-" Harry tried, but was interrupted.

"That is enough, Mr. Potter! Return to your common room immediately!"

They both sighed, disappointed. But they returned with no more fuss.

"I still think we should go. Whether the Professor thinks the rock is in danger or not, we cannot let Lord X get it!" Won and Germione aggreed.

"You're all in?" Harry asked.

"I'm in. I'm your best mate Harry, and I'm not letting you do this without my help." Won claimed.

"I'm in too. As much as I don't like this, someone has to go with you so you don't both get into trouble." Germione added.

"Good. At midnight tomorrow, we leave. To find the Stoner's rock."

_ **AN:**_

**I just wanted to thank Sweetieee, LLS, and Won Reasley from discord. Without you, this little crapfic would sink almost immediately after it started.**


	4. Chapter 4: Lord X gets rekt

Last time on (Harry) Shoemaker and Hogmorts Academy of Masters

"Bloody hell! That's an invisibility cloak! Mum said those were super rare!" Harry looked down at himself, and noted that it was true. Harry cackled, "I'm gonna have so much fun with this."

Sevrus Gingersnape would not be happy when he realized that all of his robes were not pink.

"So, the Stoner's Rock was created by 420 year old Nicholas Blazeit. It's a legendary rock that allows you to not only make you immortal, but also turn anything you touch into weed!"

"Good. At midnight tomorrow, we leave to find the Stoner's rock."

NOW

"Ouch. Ow. OW! WONALD MEMESLEY YOU BETTER STOP STEPPING ON MY FOOT!" Germione Hranger whispered angrily.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to!" Ron whispered back.

"Will you two shut up? We're almost at the Third corridor and I don't want anyone hearing us!" Harry admonished. The three were hiding in Harry's invisibility cloak, sneaking through the castle. Eventually they made it, and heard soft guitar music outside of the door that lead to the cerberus.

"Cerberuses fall asleep when they hear sweet beats. We should sneak in now while it's sleeping." Germione told them. They slowly opened the trapdoor at the cerberus' paws, and were in the process of climbing down when the huge dog woke up. Growling, it was right about to bite at Won, but Germione pulled him down, slamming the trapdoor closed behind them.

Eventually, they found themselves on a soft surface. "Gimme light!" Germione said. Suddenly, a bright light shone from her wand, revealing that they were on a bunch of plants. "The Snevil's Dare! It strangles and constricts normies! All you have to do is keep saying 'get rekt' and it should let you go." As Germione kept saying get rekt, the plants let her pass through.

"Do what she says, Won." Harry said, following Germione.

"Get rekt, get rekt, get rekt, get rekt..." Finally, Won passed through the plant too. They both found themselves on the floor. Ahead of them was a tall room, filled with little flying pieces of paper. On the floor, was a crappy old broom. Next to the room was a door, locked, with a sign on it. "Password required. Only one piece of paper has the correct password."

"Well, this is where I come in." Harry said, before grabbing the broom and flying up. He soon saw a blue piece of paper, amid hundreds of white ones. Grabbing it was difficult middair and the paper seemed to slip through his fingers every time. Eventually he took out his wand, and cast a bright yellow spell at it, which just barely hit. The piece of paper stopped moving and began to slowly fall. Harry grabbed it, and while Germione and Won cheered, brought it back down.

He walked over to the door. "The password is... UwU."

"Password accepted." The door said, before opening. Past the door was a small room, with a table in the middle, and another door, this one heavy and metal. Harry tried to push it, but it was impossible.

"It's a riddle...?" Germione questioned. They looked at the table. From left to right, there were four potions; a jet black, bubbling liquid. A foaming silver one. A bright yellow potion, and a deep red, potion. A piece of paper sat on the table and Germione picked it up, "Two are poisonous, one teleports the drinker out of here, and the other gives them great strength to push the door open." Germione pondered for a minute.

"That red one looks like the poisonous Potion of Utter Rekage, the silver one looks like the lethal Nightshade poison. The yellow one looks like a recall potion, for teleporting. And the oozy, thick black one looks like... the Draught of Herculean Strength! Drink the black one, Harry. Me and Won will get help." Germione sighed, disappointed that she couldn't help Harry any more.

Harry reluctantly drank the black potion, and then dropped it, the bottle shattering. He went over to the door, and without meaning to, completely tore the door off its hinges. "Good luck Harry." Germione said. Harry briefly thanked them, before continuing. He soon reached a staircase, which lead down.

After a few minutes of walking, Harry stepped into a large room. In the middle of the room was a tall mirror with some nonsense carved in the top. But what really intrigued Harry, was who stood in front of the mirror. Not Gingersnape, but Squirrel.

"You? No, no it was... It was Gingersnape?" Harry questioned. Squirrel looked back, with a malevolent grin on his face.

"Ah yes, who would come to the conclusion that poor, st-st-stuttering P-Professor Squirrel would be working for Lord X? No one! It was the perfect idea!" Squirrel revealed.

"I wish to talk to the boy." Another, slightly muffled voice said.

"B-But master, you're not ready-" Squirrel tried to say before he was interrupted.

"SILENCE! I WILL DECIDE WHEN I AM READY! I will talk to the boy!" The voice said.

Slowly, Squirrel began to take off his turban.

"Pfft, you're bald." Harry couldn't help but laugh. Squirrel was not amused.

"Turn around you fool!" the voice commanded. Squirrel did so, revealing an ugly af face on the back of his head.

"Ah, Harry Shoemaker. My mortal enemy-" Lord X didn't get to finish.

"I'm boutta say get rekt, Edgelord." Harry said, smirking.

X did not find that funny and grimaced. "Oh Harry, I know you miss your parents. You know, with our power together, we could rule the world. If you join me Harry, I will give you back your parents." He looked over towards the mirror.

Harry guessed he was supposed to see his parents, but in reality, he just saw himself on a golden throne, in awesome royal clothes with a sweet crown. Germione sat next to him, as her queen. "Nah." Harry responded.

Almost immediately, X yelled "Get him! Now!" Squirrel turned back around, and was about to lunge at Harry when Harry said something.

"Get..." Suddenly Squirrel's entire right arm cracked and became dust. Squirrel was about to attempt to lunge again, when Harry finished what he was saying.

"Rekt." Immediately, Squirrel's entire body lit on fire, and he started to disintegrate. Right after, he could've sworn he heard X scream "I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kid!" Suddenly, Harry felt exhausted, and, noticing for the first time, he held what he could only guess was the Stoner's rock in his right hand. But before he could start using it, he dropped, and fell unconscious.

_The next day_

Harry woke up feeling great, albeit with a HUGE headache. "Oh god, can I please just die?" Harry groaned. When he opened his eyes, he noticed Seamus Finnegan, Germione, Won, and Albus Lennyface. "What happened, sir? To the Stoner's rock?"

Lennyface smiled. "Well, Harry, it seems you fell unconscious for a few hours. Then, you woke up in a party craze from holding the stone, had a party in which all the Nerds were invited to. The party was very wild, so I hear. Well, get better Harry. Now, I do believe class has started, Mr. Memesley and Finnegan, Ms. Hranger. Please find yourself in class before you get in trouble."

The three left, leaving him and Finnegan. "Wow, I really did have a wild party, huh?" Not missing Finnegan's grin.

"We sure did, Harr-bear." Seamus said, as if he knew something Harry didn't. As he got up, he winked at Harry, and left.

"...Wait what?"

_The end of the year_

Everyone was at the Great Cafeteria, and there were a bunch of yellow flags hanging over them, with the Jock banner on them. Lennyface gestured for everyone to be quiet.

"Hello students, at last we are at our Farewell Feast. Now, for our House Cup, we shall announce the points. 1,433 for Jocks. 1,233 for Nerds. 1,001 for Black Market, and 989 for the Mafia." Suddenly, all the Jocks started cheering, but it was cut off by Lennyface.

"But before we get to the celebrations, I am adding a few extra points. 100 Points to Mr. Harry Shoemaker for saving the Stoner's rock. 50 points to Germione Hranger for being a good friend or whatever. Another 50 points, to Won Memesley, for being okay at chess or something."

At this point, the points were tied at 1,433. The last points would determine it.

"And finally, 1 entire point, to Leville Nongbottom, for barely being in this fanfic."

Suddenly, the yellow flags of the Jocks turned to the Nerds' blue. The Nerds table cheered, and they really celebrated.

The next day, Harry said goodbye to his friends, until next year. His uncle drove him back to Harry's house.

_The next morning_

"Food, cooked perfectly." Harry nodded approvingly.

"Orange juice, freshly squeezed, good." Harry nodded approvingly once more.

"Newspaper... dry!" Harry clapped, approving of Dudley.

"Now, where are my letters- oh yes, here." Harry smiled, Dudley put them on the table.

"Letters... wet." Harry said angrily. Dudley gasped, and begged not to be put back in.

"Dudley, Dudley, Dudley... You never learn."

"PLEASE, LORD HARRY, I BEG OF YOU-"

"SILENCE! I thought you would've learned your lesson, Dudley. But I guess not. I guess you're going back to..."

"The Yeehouse."

As Dudley's parents brought him into the room screaming, Harry pondered. He had done a lot this year. He did school stuff, made friends, made enemies, and saved the Stoner's rock. Harry smiled, already missing his friends.

"Oh well, I'll see them next year."

Next on, (Harry) Shoemaker and Hogmorts Academy of Masters

Shit. Goes. Down.

The Chamber of Dank Memes is opened, and a character... will... die.

Beta Read by Vordymort on discord. This fanfic would be worse without you. Thanks!


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